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The Hills v Clontarf: Division 1 match played at Milverton on Sunday 22nd August

I awoke on Sunday morning, had a very light breakfast (to leave room for the jam and cream scones), and made my way back up to Milverton.  The Hill's opponents were Clontarf, their bogey team, who had at their disposal both Poynter sisters and uncle and nephew Coghlan.  Joe Morrissey won the toss and sent Stuart Poynter out with Uncle Bill Coghlan to face Max Sorensen and Joseph Clinton.

The  Hills had got past an unimpressive Merrion team the day before without Jeremy Bray, Nazeer Shoukat (both injured) and Patrick Byrne (at a wedding, I'm told).  Then, Luke Clinton, Mal Byrne and Steven Archer had shared six wickets, albeit expensively, while Sorensen, van der Merwe and Joseph Clinton had kept it tight.

Stuart Poynter was rapidly out of the blocks, driving well and working it off his legs beautifully.  Sorensen and Joseph Clinton couldn't keep him in check, and he reached 50 out of 64 in the thirteenth over.  The introduction of van der Merwe acted as a brake, then Luke Clinton struck twice.

First he bowled Poynter for 51, then he bowled Coghlan for 15.  Sorensen returned to have Andrew Poynter caught at extra cover driving loosely, and Eoghan Delany caught behind next legitimate ball.  That was 90-4 in the 21st over, and only five more runs were added before drinks.

Jordan Coghlan biffed 23 in the next four overs until he was lbw to van der Merwe.  Rod Hokin continued to do his Brian the snail impression while Adrian D'Arcy settled in and began to chip away a few singles.

van der Merwe finished his ten with 1/24 (2/38 for the weekend), and more spin was introduced, purveyed by Mark Dwyer and Emmett Branigan.  Dwyer bowled a very loose over, hit for twelve, then threw to the wrong end when both Hokin and D'Arcy were there.  Mum shrugged the shoulders; dad continued to do the garden.

The accident that had been waiting to happen finally happened.  D'Arcy hit the ball to Sorensen and called Hokin through for the single.  They'd just crossed when Calder removed the bails, Brian Hokin gone for 19 off 21 overs.  If he'd run as slowly as he batted, he would still have been there.

Branigan then spilled a routine caught-and-bowled when D'Arcy was 19, and he and Richard Forrest began to pick up the pace.  Forrest was caught by Sorensen off Branigan for 12 with the score on 173.  Joe Morrissey was brilliantly caught on the deep square boundary by van der Merwe.

D'Arcy survived a very difficult caught-and-bowled chance off Sorensen which could be classed as a good save of four runs, then Sorensen had Vijay Gopal caught behind to finish with 3/34.  D'Arcy whacked Luke Clinton for a brace of sixes, but was left high and dry on 49 when Killian Lynskey holed out off Dwyer.

Clontarf's 201 off 47.1 overs was the product of a good start and a good finish, with much dross in between (Jordan Coghlan excepted).  Could The Hills's depleted batting exhibit less dross and more finish?

After van der Merwe took a single, Darryl Calder pulled Jordan Coghlan for two fours then drove him into D'Arcy's hands at extra cover.  Two Coghlan overs later van der Merwe was caught by Andrew Poynter, and in his fifth over Murphy got in a tangle to lob the ball for Coghlan to accept the caught-and-bowled.  That was 35-3.

Baumgart and Sorensen steadied the ship, and Coghlan gave way to his uncle.  Since Del Boy's retirement, the one bowler Senior batsmen will not thank you for mentioning that they got out to is Bill Coghlan.  Max Sorensen won't thank me for mentioning an edge to Hokin at slip for 20.

Mark Dwyer's batting is like his bowling – some good stuff and some bad stuff.  The good stuff predominated as he and Mike Baumgart pushed the score on to 123 in the 28th over with watchful defence and boundaries off the bad ball – real batting, if you like - to leave eighty to win in twenty overs with six wickets in hand, a very manageable task.

But remember Sir Geoffrey Boycott's adage – just add two wickets to the score to see the real state of the game.  The Hills did exactly that: Dwyer nicked off for 31; Baumgart holed out for 26 (in 28 overs, another Brian the snail job); and it was 123-6.

Eoghan Delany's slow left-arm had accounted for Dwyer and now did for Mal Byrne and then  Joseph Clinton, stumped.  Don't ask me how Mal was out – I was too busy photographing the Clinton and Baumgart children playing funny hats.

Luke Clinton and Manu Kumar nearly rescued it from 141-8 by playing very positively and showing how very ordinary was the Clontarf bowling.  They had got to within sixteen of victory when Luke Clinton nicked Bill Coghlan to slip.  Last man Branigan helped Kumar to 198-9 off 49.

Kumar, 23, had gone for his shots from the outset, and a few good shots he'd played.  Jordan Coughlan dug the first ball of the over in, and Kumar pulled it – straight up in the air.  It landed safely in Poynter's gloves and Clontarf had won by three runs.

That was Coghlan's fifth wicket – 5/42 – and with Uncle Bill's 2/31 and Delany's 3/35, the day had been won and 'Tarf's survival in Division 1 much more likely.  The Hills had lost for the third time this season to Clontarf, and they have only themselves to blame.

Hardly had I pulled out of the ground than my petrol warning light came on.  About thirty miles of petrol left, and it's thirty-seven door to door.  So I drove such that my rpm didn't go much above 2,500 – 60-70 mph on the motorway.  On the M1 I drove in the inside lane and was passed out even by grannies.

On the M50 I also drove in the inside lane, and passed out scores of drivers doing exactly 99kph in the middle lane.  Who are these turkeys?  Who lets them loose?  Is that why we spent years and multimillions adding the third lane to the M50, to accommodate these gobdaws?  Which reminds me – I have go and buy some petrol.