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Phoenix v Pembroke, played in the Phoenix Park on Saturday 7th August

On Saturday morning I deviated from my normal diet by having a brunch of kippers and poached eggs instead of the usual hot dog and a cold meat roll.  Fortified, I drove over to the Park, which was clogged with country registration cars following the culchie parking strategy of abandoning the car in the middle of the road when they're as near as possible to where they want to go.

Outside the pavilion in Phoenix a whole pig was beheaded and put on a spit.  My thoughts turned to Waringstown, and shortly afterwards I got the news that Merrion were 16-4.  Corey Dickeson won the toss and decided to bat against Ireland's newest opening bowler, Allan Eastwood, and Ireland U17 opener Barry McCarthy.

Allan, “Stretch” to his friends, couldn't get his run up right, and sprayed it around, Ben Larkin tucking in to the overpitched deliveries.  McCarthy was on the spot, but after three overs from the road end, Stretch took himself off and brought on Ryan Hopkins.

This brought immediate reward when Hopkins bowled Rory Flanagan for 6 and it was 33-1.  Next over Ted Williamson took great care positioning the sight screen, then nicked off to Rohit Bahl at  slip to make it 38-2.

Conor Kelly was dropped behind the stumps down the leg side, then took his time to have a look.  Larkin went for his shots, reaching 30 when he was lbw to McCarthy, Barry's second victim, although I thought it was on the high side.

Kelly now began to play his shots, David Langford Smith produced a peach of a cover drive, and batting looked easy.  Eastwood tried his luck from the river end, but continued to go for a run a ball, so he introduced Andy Balbirnie's off breaks.

As good as Lanky is on the front foot, he often looks uncomfortable and uncertain on the back foot.  He went back to Balbirnie and was bowled for seven – 71-4.  Kelly was batting with great confidence off front and back foot, and with skipper Dickeson took the score past the hundred mark.

Eastwood kept shuffling his bowlers, and with the score on 109 Dickeson, on nervous nine, popped a return catch to Paul Lawson.  Andy Leonard switched his leggies to the river end, and four runs later dropped one short, which Kelly pulled into the deep where Theo Lawson took a very good catch.  Kelly had made 45, and the wheels now fell off the Phoenix wagon.

As the pig slowly cooked on the spit, and to the north Merrion continued their recovery past 100, the Phoenix lower orders surrendered themselves to decent, but hardly outstanding, bowling from Lawson and Leonard.  Morne Bauer was caught at slip off Leonard for 1 and Jonty Wardell missed Lawson's thinly-disguised straight one, also for 1.

Graham Flanagan hung in until he was lbw to Leonard for 6.  Lennie turns them a mile, but keeps getting the lbws.  I'm not for a minute suggesting that umpire Nigel Parnell was wrong.  Lennie must operate in two parallel universes, one in which he turns it square and one in which he's straight up and down!

When “Osama” Khan (that's what they call him) was lbw to Lawson, Phoenix had gone from 109-4 to 127 all out.  The off-spinner with the dead mongoose on his head had 3/13, Lennie had 3/30 and McCarthy 2/15.  Phoenix had to take early wickets to put pressure on the 'Broke's top order, and somewhat strangely they got the opportunity straight away.

The commencement of the Phoenix innings had been delayed for five minutes by a shower, and suspended for a quarter of an hour by another at the fall of Williamson's wicket.  Even though the innings lasted only 38.5 overs, it concluded at 3:50 p.m., within half an hour of the scheduled tea interval.  From north of the border we heard Merrion had got to 202-9, not great, but something to bowl at.

During the middle stone age in which I was a junior umpire to the likes of Liam Keegan and Brian Carpenter, that would have been tea.  Well, with Liam, it was lunch or tea on any excuse.  But in these postmodern times umpires Parnell and Bevers decided that tea would be at 4:35 p.m., so Lanky and Mossy Bauer got ten overs at Andy Balbirnie and Theo Lawson.

Lanky's first over was pretty darn good: he was sharp, and moved it both ways.  Balbirnie got off strike with a thickly-edged single, and Lawson was cut in two by one that hit something on its way through to Graham Flanagan.  There was a huge shout, but Lawson wasn't going anywhere and the umpire saw no reason to direct him anywhere.

After a prolonged silence Lanky went back to his mark.  Andy Balbirnie can't buy a run at the moment – he's not moving his feet as decisively as he usually does – but I would have settled for batting like that when I was in nick.  He played some lovely shots off front and back foot.

It was Lawson who was surviving by the skin of his teeth, dropped at slip on seven, but he fought through to tea at 34-0 off ten overs.  The news that Waringstown were 37-3 was greeted with silence by the Co. Down side's followers in the Park, and followers of all teams and none enjoyed the superb salad tea put out by Mrs Flanagan and her many helpers.

Lawson battled on while more good shots came off the middle of Balbirnie's bat.  Conor Kelly came on from the river end, and quckly had Lawson caught at slip for 15 out of an opening partnership of 55.  Balbirnie got to within three of his fifty when he played half-cock at Kelly and Lanky swooped to take a fine catch at short mid on.

71-2 became 76-3 when Hopkins wafted Kelly to Wardell in the covers.  With no addition to the score Kelly had his Guildford Four-for by bowling Bahl.  Rohit didn't want to go, thinking that Graham Flanagan had a hand, or foot, in the dislodging of the leg bail.  The umpires conferred and sent Bahl on his way.

I had taken a photograph of the dismissal, but couldn't tell anything from the thumbnail on the camera's LCD.  When I got home and put the image up on Photoshop it showed clearly that Flanagan was nowhere near the action and that Bahl had been bowled.  I texted Nigel to tell him his decision was confirmed.  That must be the longest referral in cricket history.

Steven Moreton didn't like the lbw decision that completed Kelly's Michelle Pfeiffer, but 86-5 it remained.  “Polly” completed his spell – 10-3-18-5, and Danny Barclay and Barry McCarthy tucked in to the other Phoenix bowlers, none of whom could get Polly's movement and accuracy.  A few grins and a few more grimaces greeted the news that Waringstown were 55-6 (“We don't like Merrion!”).

McCarthy had a go at leggie Steven Neill and was caught at deep mid on by Khan.  Barclay brought himself to 33 and the scores level.  The first ball of the 32nd over was a wide, so that was that.  Pembroke had dragged themselves back into the promotion reckoning while Phoenix's elevation to Division 1 is a foregone conclusion.

Driving home, I was stuck behind a horse transporter with a northern reg towing a horse-box (the horse show was in Ballsbridge – what the hell was it doing in the Park, and why the hell was it taking the scenic route to Kilmainham?).  So I had time to sneak a look at a text – “War 121 a o”.  I didn't think of the pig still roasting on the spit.