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Leinster v The Hills: LCU Division 1, played at Rathmines on Sunday 25th July

I don't like writing these match reports immediately after the conclusion of the game.  I find it easier to sleep on it and take my time, usually on a Monday, to compose my thoughts and observations into something a little more coherent.

But because of the weekend in it, Barry Chambers asked me to produce my reports of The Hills v Waringstown and Clontarf v Railway Union on the evening of the match, and this I did.  I made a couple of silly mistakes – Waringstown is in Co. Down, Cliftonville were in the 2001 final (and featured unpaid local boy Kyle McCallan), and Mike Baumgart is 5' 8'', but I was happy enough with my rushed jobs.

I must admit I wasn't prepared for the self-righteous drivel emanating (presumably) from north of the border that appeared on the Forum.  Like a lot of people who write regularly, I frequently use a running story line: it helps add continuity to what is essentially a collection of one-offs.

I also have a very well-developed sense of humour – I laugh at anybody and anything, especially myself.  I am well aware that lots of people don't like being laughed at.  I'm afraid you'll just have to ignore me, pretend I don't exist, because I'm going to laugh at you anyway.

I know there is an element in the cricket community of Northern Ireland that likes to boost its own players and belittle those from elsewhere, especially from Dublin.  I make fun of this element by referring to an Ireland A team composed entirely of players from Northern Ireland.  This is usually a fiction, but not always.

Yes, that's right, I'm mocking you.  Like I have always mocked the sanctimonious and politically correct brigade who, for example, changed the term “underdeveloped world” first to “less developed world” then to “developing world” and “third world” to “the global South”, which is perhaps the origin of the misconception that Pakistan is in the southern hemisphere (The Hills top seven).

I will continue to mock the purveyors of the Waringstown/Donemana model for Irish cricket – only our own, home-grown are good enough.  It's produced more than a few excellent cricketers, sure, but it also produced decades of international failure leavened by the odd futile gesture.

We in Ireland must play against the highest standard of opposition week in, week out, and that means using foreign-born players.  In Dublin there are lots of them, so we integrate them into our cricket: in Northern Ireland they're thin on the ground, so they're frequently demonised.  I find that xenophobia unhelpful to Irish cricket, and I say so in my (mockingly) humourous manner.

I have nothing but contempt for people who get on their high horses and refer to (imaginary) personal abuse.  I talked cordially but briefly to Jonny Bushe on Friday and in friendship and at greater length to Alan Nelson and Kyle McCallan, as well as with a few of the Waringstown supporters.

I told Kyle how much his team deserved to win the match, particularly as they got the worst of the conditions.  I thought I had said that in the article and, indeed, that's what I found when I read the bits that hadn't been air-brushed, presumably to assuage Disgusted of Co. Down.

It's a shame that I won't be able to travel up on August 7th to watch Waringstown beat Merrion – I have to cover the relegation vitaller between Malahide and Leinster.  That would have given any Forum troglodytes present the opporunity to talk their tosh to me in the flesh.  But they'd be too scared to expose their ignorance – that sort of slieveen always is.

On Sunday I was again in the company of The Hills, mercenary Johnny foreigners the lot of them, who were in Rathmines to play a Division 1 match against that other bunch of pie-eating hired guns, Leinster.  After some surfing, a barbie and a few cool tubes with the Shielas – Nazeer and Asif went off for a balti – Anton Scholtz won the toss and decided to bat.

It isn't happening for Mark Jones this year.  He shouldered arms to Max Sorensen's second ball and had his stumps rearranged.  Scholtz survived a very confident appeal for lbw and was lucky not to be out caught behind.  But on 5 he nicked Sorensen low to van der Merwe's left at third slip, and the Irishman took a fine catch.

Two runs later Peter Byrne, also with 5 to his name, was bowled by Sorensen, and Leinster weren't going to win by much coming from 16-3.  Carlos Brathwaite and JP O'Dwyer are always positive, and played some good shots.

JP survived a slip chance to “George” O'Donnell, relieved of the gloves for the day.  Carlos called for the single, and JP ended up with two courtesy of an overthrow.  Sorensen and Luke Clinton were replaced by Nazeer and Albert van der Merwe, and Carlos and JP carried merrily on.

Brathwaite made a mess of a sweep off van der Merwe, and the ball lobbed to “George” at short backward square.  The red-headed, Jesuit-educated, broth of a home-grown Irishman, tried to hide, ostrich-like, as he dropped dolly of the decade.

Albert had better luck soon after when JP was out for 25, lbw to one he reckoned hit him outside the line as he played at it.  Craig Mallon started cautiously, as ever, and kept the pro company to drinks at 88-4 and beyond.

Brathwaite had got to 46 when he again made a mess of a sweep, this time off Mark Dwyer, and Daryll Calder did George the honour of not barging him out of the way, letting him clasp the ball safely to his chest to make it 128-5.

Mallon now was playing some fine shots, and he and Mark Kelly took the score past 150.  “Tiggy” Mallon hit a huge six over long off but was then caught and bowled by Jeremy Bray for 41.  Will Lennon added ten rapid runs before being bowled in Sorensen's final over.

In the 50th over, bowled by Clinton, Kelly was stumped by Calder for 28 and Asif Husain holed out to Sorensen for 3.  Leinster closed on 200-9, a darn sight better than 16-3, but not enough, one feared.  Sorensen finished with 4/47.

Leinster needed quick wickets to put pressure on The Hills's middle order, but instead provided a feast of pies and wides to rocket the Wilberries to 32-0 off 3.  Hugh McDonnell then bowled a tidy over, but Carlos continued to feed van der Merwe and Calder with some awful rubbish.

Van der Merwe got over-excited and sliced Brathwaite to McDonnell for 25 out of 41 in the 5th over.  Fifty was passed in the sixth over.  Baumgart was dropped by the suffering Jonesey, and Brathwaite gave way to Kelly, who immediately got into his groove.

He bowled Calder for 22 in the 11th over, and the run rate subsided to fives as Jeremy Bray dug himself in.  Baumgart decided it was his day, and drove and pulled his way rapidly at first but then more slowly to 50 in the 31st over.  Scholtz put in a good spell with his little rollers, going for 37 off his ten.

Kelly, too, was decent, conceding 36 off 10, but nobody could get at either batsman, and the end came in the 43rd over with a Bray cover drive to take him to 49*, leaving his skipper on 86*.  What a shame they couldn't have batted like that on Friday!  (I won't make a comparison between Leinster's bowling and Waringstown's – somebody would take offence, and not from Dublin 6, at my failure to use the words “wonderful”, “marvellous”, and the phrase “world-beaters”.)

The Hills (24pts) kept pace with North County, who recovered from 101-7 to beat YMCA by 48 runs and gain 22 points.  Leinster must now beat Malahide twice and Clontarf to have any chance of staying in Division 1.  Everybody in Rathmines is delighted with George Dockrell's success, but they don't half miss him on the pitch!